Testimonial from a one-on-one session: From almost never cold-approached to three dates that week

[Below is a testimonial from a one-on-one session with a guy in his early twenties. He had barely cold-approached a girl before the session. By the end he had three dates that week with girls he met that day, including one that night. If you want to schedule coaching, call BradP’s offices.]

Before my lesson with The Doctor, I had done maybe 15 cold approaches in my life with pretty neutral results, but I had no vision of what I was doing right or wrong and no idea how to move forward. I was pretty clueless about everything, so our lesson was to be a mixture of day game, night game, and fashion. We didn’t quite make it to the night game because I ended up going on a date with a girl I met.

It was amazing how much I was holding myself back and he helped me push through a lot of my self made barriers. Simple, yet fun things with kino, body language, confidence and just getting the things in my head out. Not to mention the most important thing that I was lacking and not paying any attention to: Frame control!

The outfit and jacket that he helped me pick out have gotten me compliments and opened by random girls almost every time I go out.

It’s only been a week since taking a lesson with The Doctor and I’ve gone on 2 dates, which is amazing for me. I’m less anxious around strangers, my social life at work has gotten much better and I even found out some girls have crushes on me.

I have had mild success with women in the past, but I was always chosen by women and was never the chooser. A new page is opening where I can choose the women and people I want in my life. No more blindly attaching myself to the first attractive thing that talks to me or first group of people who invite me out. There is still much I need improving on, but I finally feel like my life is in my hands.

The Doctor went above and beyond to help me and I would recommend him to anyone hoping to improve themselves.

[To any readers who want to schedule coaching, call BradP’s offices. You’ll be glad you did.]

An example of handling "Can I bring a friend with us?"

[Here’s another old post from the 30/30 club after noticing several guys noting frustration about girls asking to bring friends with them on dates. I think the interaction will help a lot of cases, but I should note, you get a lot more value joining the 30/30 club, where you get to ask your own questions. For example, this post was followed by a lot of individual questions and answers]

I’ve seen a lot of guys thrown by girls asking to bring friends on dates. I used to get thrown by it too. As you get better, you’ll learn ways to prevent the offer from happening, but here is an example of handling the challenge from real life a week or two ago.

I don’t claim I handled it as best as possible, but we ended up with a solo date, as desired. Also every case is unique, but much of what worked can be generalized and applied to other situations.

Top strategy

A date with a girl and any of her friends will not go well. Avoid it. Instead of arguing, point out it doesn’t work for you and suggest an alternative

Top tactic

I use the following magic words to respond to any offer for her to bring friends

I’ve been doing a lot of group stuff lately.

… usually followed by “How about <one-on-one alternative>” or “I’d much rather take it easy.”

She knows she’s creating a problem. Let her know her suggestion doesn’t work, then let her resolve it. Still you have to lead her through it.

Other tactics:

• Never get frustrated.
• Always assume success.
• Be ready to let the date not happen.
• If you find yourself getting into a frame battle you don’t think you can win, you’re doing it wrong.
• Never judge. If you judge she’ll defend herself. In her mind she will win, no matter how right you think you are.

Background for this situation

I met her at a bar a few days before. I approached her and a friend with some regular guy I just met with no game. I steered him toward the other girl and kinoed my girl. Because of the social circle, I couldn’t go full game, but we kissed before I left in the middle of the bar, which was a big deal for her. A couple days later she had found my web site (unrelated to my 30/30 identity) and wanted to meet to talk about it. She offered to buy me drinks until I answered a lot of questions. We agreed to meet on a Saturday evening, starting at a party in a dance group she’s in.

Also, this is in Shanghai. I don’t know the city that well. She’s Chinese but speaks English nearly fluently but not natively.

I’ll annotate the interaction in italics. She didn’t just hit me with bringing girlfriends, she threw a lot of other common girl things that can ruin dates if not handled well.

The text interaction

Her: Tomorrow the address is <address>. I will be there at 7pm. It’s easier if you give me a call when u get taxi so that I can explain to him. It’s in Gu Bei area. C u there!

Giving a call from the taxi is because taxi drivers don’t speak English here. Not a big deal for her to help, but her contributing to make it happen counts. When I checked the address, I found a problem I couldn’t tell her about: the party was for belly dancing and my primary in Shanghai belly dances! I don’t know how big the belly dancing community is, but I couldn’t risk running into her, so I had to change and meet after. I didn’t want to demotivate her, so I want to keep up her enthusiasm.

Me: Can I meet you after the party? Running late. Believe me, I don’t want to miss room full of belly dancers! Very sorry but night will be awesome after

Her: Afterward I will meet my girlfriends in some bar, if u don’t mind u can join.

There’s the text you dread if you don’t know how to handle it. At first I was frustrated, but it passed in a few moments. I’ve learned never to text when frustrated. I realized she was changing plans last minute, so just asked to clarify, not to say she was changing plans. She knows what she did.

Me: I thought it was just you getting me drunk to have your way with me.

Her: I have also agreed with them. The best is to meet altogether otherwise I have to split the time for two half. We can meet from 8.30 to around 10pm latest then. That should be enough to dig sth out of u I hope. Maybe not so optimistic as u said u r not easy.

Here comes the response I use in all cases. I start with the “I’ve been doing a lot of group stuff lately.” The rest you can customize. The point is you aren’t challenging her. You’re remaining true to yourself and what you said yes to earlier. To lead I offer an alternative that works for me.

Me: I’ve been doing a lot of group stuff lately. I thought you meant a quieter evening. How about after you finish with them?

Her: That will be too late to stay awake. We can meet before them then.

Meeting before something else is just as bad. I would only accept being squeezed in if I already had something later planned, but I didn’t. So I call her on her bullshit, but not challenging. I only point out how her offer looks, but I don’t judge. If I judge she’ll get defensive.

Me: you only have 1.5 hoours for two separate groups? Meeting for 45 minutes is pretty short. I don’t like being squeezed in.

Her: I invite u to join both. Only another 2 girls, one from Taiwan one from Singapore, also member of <our social circle community>. Take it as another party of <that social circle> and u r so lucky to be the only man! Wooooooh! That’s a big honor and opportunity for u. Don’t squeeze yourself from such a nice chance. 😉

I consider a girl offering other girls as they want to try to reject you based on “He’s just chasing tail and not serious.” I always refuse such offers. She combines it with acting like being in a girl’s presence is special. In our lingo, I am the prize, so I remind her.

Me: Me coming is bonus for the girls.

Her: BTW, 1.5 hours all for u

I have to call her on her bullshit again. I remind her I’m not trying to be a problem. I’m just remaining consistent with myself and what I agreed to at first. Notice I use no judgmental language. Judging her will provoke her to defend herself. She knows she changed plans on me.

Me: 45 minutes if we split. i’ve been doing so much group stuff lately. You didn’t tell me it was a group yesterday.

Her: Could be. I don’t mention, plus it’s not any test or sth. Just a relaxed hang out night. U r alone here why not make more friends. Relax, little boy!

Telling someone to relax is provocative, confrontational, and demeaning. As is calling someone little boy. She lost me. If I react she’ll take the lead. At this stage I don’t see it working out unless she changes. So I don’t respond. I’m ready to walk away. As you’ll see, she keeps trying to sell something I didn’t agree to, then realizes it’s not working.

Her: If u don’t feel for, no commitment for any speech though I am truly interested. Just a relaxed night with friends.

Her: They r not expecting a u or a speech either. To clarify so u won’t misunderstand.

Her: Ok I surrender. How about dinner together in Xin tian di? I am starving now so I can start to move and be there around 8pm. If it’s ok for u we can find a place to dinner together. May this appeal to u?

She surrendered. I want to reward this behavior and language, so I will accept quickly, clearly, and with rewarding language. I don’t want her to feel defeated. We’re in this together.

Me: Exactly what i thought I said yes to at first. I would love to. Something quiet, not touristy.

Her: Let’s meet and then decide together cause obviously u r a demanding guy. Let’s meet in the Starbucks in Xin tian di around 8-8:15. Ok?

Me: I’m very simple. And mysterious. Your dream man… … Okay, I’ll call when i get out of Xian Tiandi subway stop. Will head out soon.

Her: There is no shortage of mysterious men around my life, but simple man is appreciated. C U soon.

Identity foundation: things I do every day

I heard Brad’s top LA coach, Jake, first put it well:

Your identity determines the quality of girl you attract; your skills determine the quantity.

And what determines your identity? Today I’m going to talk about one of the top things — your daily habits. In my case, the things I do without fail every day. They set a large part of my identity. They aren’t everything, but they’re a lot. They are my foundation.

Generally, what you want in a girl, you should have in yourself. If you want a girl that looks good, you’ll have a hard time attracting her if you don’t good yourself because your values will clash. If you want a girl with a great body and you don’t take care of your body every day, you’ll have a hard time finding a girl who doesn’t think you’re slacking off . Want a smart girl? Learn something new every day.

This isn’t about good and bad. I don’t think being in shape is better or worse than not being in shape. It’s about living your values. If you do, you’ll attract girls who like those values. If you have values but don’t live them, girls won’t know to be attracted by them. They’ll probably find themselves attracted to another guy who embodies those values more.

I should note that I didn’t start with all these habits. I added them one by one as I realized their importance to me. And I don’t consider them onerous. The opposite, actually. I find the best way to do something consistently is to make it not a decision. That way I free my mind to think about more important things.

I won’t mention things everyone does since they don’t differentiate me, like eating, breathing, and such. I’m not sure if I should mention showering, putting on deodorant, selecting reasonably fashionable clean clothes. I’ll take for granted readers here do those things.

If you don’t already clean and groom yourself daily, start. Do those things if you want to attract clean, attractive girls. You can find more remedial sources than here to learn their value and how to do them. To your benefit, you will see improvements in your ability to attract women faster than anyone, only you’ll be making up a lot of lost ground.

Exercise

I exercise every day. Actually, twice a day — once before reading email in the morning (a great rule for myself that motivates me well: no email or internet before my morning exercises. None.) and once before sleep. The exercises are simple calisthenics and stretches that take only a few minutes, but they aren’t bullshit. They get my blood pumping and the fat off me. And I don’t mean I do them most days. I do them every day without fail. I’ve done them drunk, in foreign hotel rooms, at other people’s places, … everywhere. They also don’t cost one penny or require equipment or a gym membership.

If you don’t care about your body, that’s your business. I’m not telling you what to do. I care about my body. That’s what I do. It’s part of my identity. And what do you know, the girls in my life have great bodies.

Several girls who have slept over have found that after we’ve fallen asleep after sex when I wake up at 4am to go to the bathroom I also do my exercises. Then I do my next set the next morning when I wake up. Do they think I’m weird? No, they’re impressed at my discipline. More importantly they know I care about physical condition. I don’t have to tell them they have to stay in shape to be with me. They see it in my behavior. That’s identity.

Hygiene

I brush my teeth twice a day. I doubt I missed brushing my teeth before falling asleep more than once in the past twenty years.

I floss daily before going to sleep.

I put on minoxodil twice daily, as the package directs. I can’t stop getting older and I don’t think there’s a way to stop from losing hair. I can’t tell if this stuff is making a difference. I don’t think it is, so I think of it like insurance. I pay a bit and I sleep comfortably knowing I’m doing what I can.

Nutrition

I eat a healthy breakfast of unprocessed cereal and fresh fruit every morning. Unlike the above, I allow myself some slack if I travel since carrying a back of cereal and fruit is harder than carrying a toothbrush.

Attraction

I read the 30/30 blogs daily and post here weekly. For that matter, I probably flirt with at least one girl a day. At a party I’ll flirt with plenty more. Like any skill, what you don’t practice you lose skill in. I don’t want to become less attractive. And I want to attract girls who work on being attractive to me.

Summary

My identity includes exercise, appearance, health, nutrition, and attraction skills. Do you think I have a better chance at attracting girls in great shape, who dress well, and take good care of themselves than the average guy?

Yes, of course.

Don’t get me wrong. I do these things not for girls, although I enjoy the side benefit of effortlessly attracting more attractive women. I do them because I enjoy them. If I didn’t get something for myself out of my daily habits I would stop doing them. In fact, some habits I’ve tested, found I didn’t like, and let go of. Or changed after years to other things.

Everybody has things they enjoy enough to do daily. You do too. Clients often complain they have no passions when they work on their identity. Sadly our culture and education system don’t help us understand our passions and things we’d gladly do daily. But it’s not that hard to walk someone through to find their passions. That’s one of the main things coaches do and a big reason to hire a coach. I can help you find things you love but don’t realize yet and develop them into attractive passions.

Working on routines, fashion, etc barely has value when not rooted in identity, which is rooted in what you do regularly. But if you do things important to you daily, you can’t help develop your own routines, look, and so on.

By sharing what I enjoy, I attract women who enjoy the same things. Then when I meet them I don’t have to work to keep them. I just talk about stuff I enjoy and they join along.

Who doesn’t want to be able to attract women effortlessly? It’s like the holy grail of attraction. Your regular habits are as fundamental as anything.

You can’t authentically share things you don’t do. Things you do do, you can’t help radiating. And attracting with.

By the way, something I don’t do: I don’t read the news daily. I used to, but did an experiment from The 4-Hour Work Week to skip it for a month. I learned reading the news kept me no more informed about the news. In fact, I came to see the news as generating controversy. Not exactly pick-up related, but still an example of a way of doing things the world imposes on you that doesn’t help your life.

How to pace her when she starts moving faster

Here’s an old response I wrote on the boards for the 30/30 club to a guy with a “problem” most guys wish they had: girls are making out with him too quickly and he doesn’t know how to slow them down.

Yes, his issue is that he gets girls excited in clubs so they want to make out with him. Sometimes after a make-out the girl moves on, like she got what she wanted from him. Sometimes that’s great because he enjoys making out with a girl he just met. Sometimes he wants to continue things. So his question is

“how do you stop/avoid early make outs without killing the vibe?“

(Incidentally, I’ll mention about him that he had never kissed a girl at all before he was 20. Before 30/30 he had spent six months learning theory and not putting it into practice. He met girls, but didn’t get physically or emotionally intimate with them. He reached the level of making out with girls so much he wanted to slow things down in the later months of 30/30. If you want “problems” like girls being too into you, check out what worked for him and me: 30/30 or a Brad P coach. The challenges of guys in their early months in 30/30 typically are about approaching or their look. By later months their challenges are how to handle multiple girls in rotations or how to find places to have sex without leaving the venue.)

Anyway, my advice to him is my go-to advice on pacing things with a girl. It applies to making out in a club but also in bed or any time. By the way, this advice focuses on what to do. Notice the mindset behind it — you’re experienced in handling a women, you’re the prize, she’s in your world, you’re not easy. That mindset comes with experience, but the earlier you can both feel that way and behave accordingly, the sooner you’ll internalize it and become a guy like that. I bolded the statements because they’re powerful, but make sure your non-verbals match — the knowing and playful look in your eye, relaxed posture, slow talking…

Regarding kino, I always escalate, then when she reciprocates I pull back as if she did too much so I pace things and she knows I’m not like all the other guys who, if she starts, they’ll follow.

Verbally, I say things like

“not yet,”

“baby, you haven’t earned it yet,”

“I don’t think you’re ready for this,”

“how do I know I’m not just one of your other guys?,”

“what got you going so much, cowgirl?,”

“first tell me why you like me,”

“that’s all for now,”

and stuff like that, usually with a seductive smile and/or direct eye contact that says she was actually doing the right thing. Usually I’ll also escalate at the same time somewhere else, like tightening my arm around her waist while I push lightly away at her shoulder or putting my hand on her butt.

For example, if I pull her in for a kiss, usually she’ll resist a bit but then start kissing back. Normally you feel like escalating again at that point. Instead, pull back like she went a bit too far and say,

“baby, not yet. You’re going too fast. I’m not that easy.”

Then the next time I kiss I’ll do it a bit more aggressively, since I know we’ve already kissed. I have to vary the pattern so she doesn’t catch on, so I might not wait for her to reciprocate the next time. I’ll just grab the hair on the back of her neck, pull her face to mine, kiss her for a couple seconds, then pull her away before she can stop me, and say

“that’s all for now”

and talk about something else or, better, pull her somewhere else and say “let’s go check out the other room” or something like that.

If it goes well, she should learn to feel comfortable contributing and escalating, knowing you won’t go too far. Then she’ll wonder what it takes to get you going farther and try to escalate more. Then you can let her. If she never reciprocates, I don’t mind walking away. Making out in public is fun, so if that’s all that happens, I still feel good about it. But also the rest of the venue saw it, social proofing me, plus she has the chance to find me later. Again, I paced things.

The main principles:

1. You pace things, not her.

2. Make sure she contributes.

You get her to contribute by pulling back when she escalates (which shows her interest). You get her to escalate by escalating but not too far before she contributes.

Why I joined 30/30, part II

In my years before joining 30/30 I got to be friends with several guys in the community, including Glenn, Brad’s top New York coach, from whom I’d learned a lot.

At the time Glenn was going through some challenges. He’s human like anyone else and, as his friend, I saw him working through those challenges.

Then at the presentation I mentioned last week I saw him talking about his experiences with women with Brad. He was carefree, full of fun, outgoing, not a care in the world. Women created for him the opposite of what they create for most men. For most men, thinking about women gets them stuck in their heads — should I ask her out? what will she think of me? you idiot, why didn’t you talk to her? will I ever get laid? what’s wrong with me? … we’ve all had these thoughts.

In Glenn, whom I knew well, I saw carefree fun and playfulness, a release from the rest of life. I saw what you get when you master a skill.

Since I started working on pick-up skills because relationships with women brought me the opposite — anxiety and fear — I realized on the spot I wanted what these guys had. I wanted to learn from and emulate them.

Things have worked out exactly as I’d expected. I’ve become much more open and carefree with women. My relationships with them have become the best parts of my life. My main girl now is studying for medical school and started stripping on the side. Fellas, is that a combination, or what? I met her going out with Fadeaway, himself a 30/30 alumnus, insanely successful coach, and master of attracting girls.

I didn’t even want to go out the day he visited. It was raining and snowing and windy that day. Totally miserable. He got me out. That’s the value of community — in particular the 30/30 community.

I’ve made some of my best friends through the pick-up community. The ones I’ve met through 30/30 rank near the top of that list, mainly because they’re fun, carefree, uninhibited, and surrounded by hot girls attracted to them.