Learning to attract women and the personal growth that comes with it trumps other ways of growing

I wanted to share something I learned about myself over a dialog I saw in a 30/30 forum. A coach, John K, told a story about a friend who didn’t know how to attract women in London, where they lived (if you’re near London, get coaching from John K!). The friend addressed his problem by learning Chinese and moving to China, where he had some success with women, but not much. He kept telling JK women there were different. JK told him changing himself and learning attraction skills would improve his life more, but the the friend insisted it was cultural differences and that JK’s attraction skills wouldn’t work there — and actually would work against him.

The friend eventually returned home to London and again couldn’t attract any women. This time the guy moved to Eastern Europe and again found success with women that eluded him in his home country.

This time JK visited and they could compare apples to apples. The friend expect JK would flounder. During that visit the friend’s success with women amounted to one girl kissing him and two girls dancing with him. JK, with minor adjustments, attracted two women to sleep with him, shattering his friend’s belief system. He realized the resources he spent traveling all over the world and learning languages only shielded him from challenging, developing, and growing himself. For all the value in expanding his horizons and learning about cultures, he probably got a fraction of what he could have had he not been doing it to overcome internal weaknesses.

For that matter, he attributed to cultural differences whatever attracted women to him, likely merely that he probably seemed exotic to them, all the while missing commonalities among all people that JK understood from his own personal growth.

(Incidentally, the friend now gets coaching from JK.)

Okay, all that was background to a realization about my development that this story thrust on me.

I first started learning to attract women at 35 years old. Before then I had almost no intimacy with girls. People could tell I was into Asian girls even though I wasn’t comfortable with it yet so a lot of people suggested I move to Asia, where there were more Asian girls and many who were into white guys and Americans. I always knew going would be the wrong decision. I believe I had the opposite view of JK’s friend.

I couldn’t put that view into words then, but I can now. While I was successful in many areas in life, regarding attracting women I was a loser. If I moved to Asia I would just be a loser with girls, which even though I hadn’t yet heard of the concept of a Loser Back Home, I knew was not a guy girls are attracted to. Worse, going there and getting girls who just liked me for accidents of birth not only wouldn’t make me what I consider a better man or more attractive to girls I want to attract, it would distract me from the improvements I knew I needed, even if I didn’t know yet if I could change those things or how.

Had I moved to Asia in my twenties I have to be open to the possibility that I might have grown in unexpected ways, but I think I would only have gotten girls who liked me for superficial reasons. I think I would have remained insecure deep down. Learning attraction and the self-awareness that comes with it gave me security and confidence I don’t think you can get without challenging yourself like we do here, that led my primary girl to say last night that she couldn’t imagine spending time with regular guy after being intimate with me.

As JK put it “If those people would just dedicate themselves to changing the stuff stopping them from getting what they wanted at home they wouldn’t need to move and would be significantly more successful when they did.”

How to find your passion

[Another of my favorite posts to the 30/30 club. Join there or get Brad P coaching for more advice, especially if you want coaching personalized for you.]

When guys realize how important identity is in picking up a girl they realize how important realizing their passions are. They realize how strongly attracted girls are to a man who knows and lives his passions — that you attract girls without saying a word to them by doing what you love.

So they ask, “how do I find my passion?” Here is my answer to one guy who asked on the 30/30 forum (you’ll have to figure out some of the context, since he asked about sex too).

You don’t find some single latent passion within you, if only you can find it. You create it.

What is passion? It’s powerful emotion. Emotion doesn’t come from out there. It comes from in here. How do you create something in here? Not by looking out there. By growing, learning, building, exploring, and developing skills in here. Stuff out there gives you something to work with, but your passion is inside you.

You have a zillion things you like, each of which could grow to into one of, or the, overarching source of passion that drives your life. Until I found out you could learn pickup skills, meeting girls wasn’t a passion of mine. Even learning what other guys were capable of didn’t make it a passion. At first all I knew was it was something I knew was worth my time and I could get better at. What made it become a passion was what I put into it — time, emotion, vulnerability, etc — and what I earned from my efforts — learning I could get what I wanted, overcoming great anxieties and fears, self-awareness, great friends, etc

If I hadn’t put the work and emotional effort in, what would I get back out? Not much. The value came from what I put in. I don’t see external things exciting much passion from their intrinsic properties.

Finding your passion is like creating art or learning a skill. You get out of it what you put into it. Or like great sex, as you described. If you expect great sex just to happen, you’re probably going to wait a long time. Maybe you’ll get lucky and come across someone you mesh with perfectly, but it probably won’t last and keep getting better forever (unless it inspires you to do the following) If you put yourself out there, take risks, develop yourself, share what you want, what you don’t want, exercise, … exude everything you want — you can’t exude without practice — great sex will seem to come your way. It may feel like it just happened, but you created it. You will have attracted a girl who is creating and wants to share the same thing.

Oh yeah, another big piece of finding your passion is finding or developing a supportive community, which could be just one other person. I don’t think it could only be only an online community. You probably need at least one person in-person. Community gives you support, holds you accountable, and lets you see what you’re capable of.

Looking to “find” your passion sounds way too passive and based in hope for me. I might have asked that question years ago, but no more. I create it. You hope for things when you don’t think you have the ability to make it happen. I expect to create my passions.

“What must I do if I want to find what my passion is… right now, today, right this very moment…”

Find something you like and build it. Devote yourself to it. Don’t start by trying to find the perfect thing. The point is to develop the skills to bring out from yourself greater emotion and learn to overcome obstacles, especially anxiety and fear. If it turns out the thing you picked doesn’t become a great passion, pick up where you left off with the next thing. If you like rock climbing, go climb some rocks. If you get bored with it, that doesn’t mean rock climbing wasted your time, it means rock climbing took you to a new level of passion in life, you exhausted it, and only now do you realize this new level of life. Now you have a new perspective and you can pick something more than rock climbing. Maybe singing. Then when singing peaks, look from your new perspective at what you can use to reach a new level. Maybe you find becoming a chef can take you past where singing peaked. Eventually you reach something you dig so much you never want to do anything else. Say it’s being a chef — you start a restaurant, tour the world sampling cuisines, grow a garden, trade recipes, fuck girls on your kitchen floor, etc. Now you created your passion.

Sometimes one growing passion morphs into another. Like rock climbing might lead you to hiking, which might lead you to conservation, and next thing you know you’re on a Greenpeace boat saving whales and it resonates with every fiber in your body.