Do you want confidence instead of insecurity?

When a man is hungry he tries to get food. When a man is thirsty, he tries to get water. If he’s poor he tries to get money. We expect those things and don’t fault a man for pursuing them, or plenty of things like them.

For things like food and water that society doesn’t judge him for seeking, he doesn’t hide what he’s doing.

If a man can’t create or find intimacy with women, our society isn’t so accepting. For whatever reason, society implies trying to pursue intimacy with a woman as insincere, if he wants to do it for fun, or shameful, if he doesn’t know how and wants to learn.

When society’s incessant message becomes internalized, he hides his pursuit. He feels insecure. This insecurity shows up in everything he does, no matter how much he wants to hide it, or thinks he’s hidden it.

He can be married and have this insecurity, if he doesn’t know how to earn his wife’s respect or create the dominance without aggression or insecurity she likely wants. Spending time with a woman, even having sex with her, doesn’t mean they are sharing intimacy and vulnerability. I’ve had married clients who aren’t looking to leave their wives. They don’t know how to allow themselves to be vulnerable with their wives or how to make her comfortable being vulnerable with him. For that matter, guys who get laid all they want may never get vulnerability and security either.

Women have their own insecurities, some that coincide with men’s, others that are theirs. Society accepts and supports them learning to attract the opposite sex instead of punishing them for it like it does men.

In any case, you can get out of this insecurity. All the skills are learnable and, when you have them, you can bring into your life what you want. If you can’t get laid at all, learning to get laid is a major step toward not having something to hide and feel insecure about. After that first step, there is still a long way to go.

The good news is that it’s rewarding at every step, though hard.

It’s what I coach people on. It takes time, but the rewards of confidence, security, and intimacy are worth infinitely more than the troubles cost, if you make it.

The sad and pathetic lives of men without relationship skills

This post on reddit made me sad at how limited this guy’s views of relationships are. The responses were mostly just as sad.

He’s not getting something he wants. For years (!!) he sees his only options as talking about it, trying to quid-pro-quo her into it (which means obligating her), pressure her into it (which he was already doing with the quid pro quo obligation), and leaving her.

That’s three options, none of which he’s doing effectively, all of which would likely backfire.

Notice in what he writes, he suggests nothing about understanding her motivation. Here’s his post:

Been dating a woman off and on for a few years. We’re both in our early/mid 30s. Long story short, we used to be almost strictly booty call, became more FWB and she seems to be pushing for a bf/gf relationship where we go on weekend trips together, etc. In all that time she hasn’t once given me a blowjob.

Yes, I’ve (delicately) brought it up and have even gone down on her a few times to try to initiate some kind of oral sex quid-pro-quo but she just…doesn’t do it. She’s said she doesn’t think she’s very good at it and has said “let’s just do something else instead”, which 90% of the time is just missionary sex or maybe something “wild” like having sex in the shower with all the bathroom lights off. I’m well-groomed, disease-free and don’t smell bad or anything, so I don’t think it’s a hygiene issue from her standpoint.

I don’t want to pressure her into doing something sexual she doesn’t want to do, but I also feel like if this is a woman I’m going to spend the remaining years of my 30s and beyond with (basically what little “prime” I have left), that I should be getting what I want sexually and literally every other woman I’ve been with before did this with zero prompting on my part from the time I was a teenager until I met her.

So…is it wrong to end a relationship because of this and if not, what do I say to her to end the relationship that doesn’t make me sound like some kind of selfish pervert who is only after her for her ability to gobble my knob? We usually get along and have even had good/intriguing conversations from time to time but I can’t help feeling I’m settling for about a D+/C- in bed when I could be having a B+/A- with someone else who I’d get along with equally well without a lot of extra effort.

Thanks for any advice.

Whatever communication he tried, I see no attempt or success at understanding her motivation or interests. Where is her perspective? If she doesn’t like blow jobs, why not? Saying she’s not good at it is unrelated to whether she likes it or not. I’m no good at base jumping, but if someone took the time to teach me I have no doubt I’d love doing it, after I finished shitting my pants. It looks fucking amazing (not the shitting pants part), I just need someone to help me overcome my fears. Maybe she’s the same way. Who knows? Certainly not him.

Talking is essential but it’s a small fraction of communication and it’s rarely the sexiest part. The way he added “delicately” suggests he didn’t communicate how important this issue was to him. Actually, combined with his acceptance for years, it suggests he didn’t communicate to himself the issue’s importance.

I love going down on a girl. If he does too, he’s ruining something he loves with this quid pro quo business. If you don’t love an activity, don’t do it, or find a way to love it. If you do love it, attaching an obligation to it will ruin the activity, the obligation you attach to it, and the relationship.

As for leaving a relationship where the other person doesn’t do something you enjoy, it’s always an option but if you leave every relationship where a girl doesn’t do something you like, you’re going to have a lot of short, unsatisfying relationships. Nobody does everything you want, especially right off the bat. Learning to lead the other person to enjoy things they haven’t before is a major way to improve your relationships. Note I didn’t say to do things you want, I said to enjoy new things.

Building relationships is not about you getting what you want. That’s a side-effect. It’s about expanding horizons, learning, and growing. Think about things in your life you love. You probably discovered some on your own. Probably more came from someone introducing them to you. Attracting women and sharing emotional, physical, and intellectual intimacy is one of the best things in my life and I resisted improving at it for decades. Others introduced it to me. Same with leadership, which is what I’m writing about here.

This guy’s post shows he hasn’t done the bare minimum of helping himself.

He hasn’t communicated the importance of the issue to him. On the contrary, his years of passive acceptance communicate it isn’t an issue.

He hasn’t tried to understand her motivations. Not knowing someone’s motivations cripples your ability to influence them. Nothing he wrote is inconsistent with her loving blow jobs but just being inexperienced. I’m not saying there isn’t a hurdle they can’t overcome, but he hasn’t found any yet.

He hasn’t tried to lead her. I don’t call unilaterally giving someone an obligation, which he calls quid pro quo, effective leadership. He says he doesn’t want to pressure her but he already has. This behavior is closer to the opposite of leading her because it motivates resentment.

Finally, he hasn’t tried to create new options. How about other girls? How about licking if she doesn’t like putting him all the way in her mouth? There is so much more to oral sex than just one way. He doesn’t necessarily need other options because he hasn’t yet established she doesn’t like to go down on him, but they at least exist.

I’ve already written on how to lead a girl to love doing things you enjoy — https://thedoctorcoach.wordpress.com/2012/12/20/how-i-get-girls-to-love-pleasing-me-advanced-relationship-technique. I’m running out of fantasies my girl is finding them out and acting on them so much with me. She wasn’t like that when we met. Most people see her as a sweet, wholesome girl, which she is, except when she’s living out our fantasies.

It took years for me to develop the skills to give her the space and comfort to drop her inhibitions as much as she has, but she loves me for it. As much as you love making your partners happy, girls love making you happy.

As I’ve written, I coach guys more and more about long-term relationships and getting what you mutually enjoy. If you live or think like the guy in this post and don’t like it, do something about it. You don’t have to pay for coaching from me, though my clients enjoy great success, but you only live once.

I have to add that it looks like the girl could stand to improve her relationship skills too, but she didn’t write. I can’t comment on her beliefs and behavior without her perspective, though I’ve coached girls too and many of them can stand to improve as much as any man can.

Once you attract her, what next?

Once you attract her, what next?

The more I work with more advanced guys, the more I find attraction coaches and material don’t cover. My client’s needs come first, so I’m always developing new material.

Here are some sample topics I spoke on at a recent seminar:

Retention: After the first date, how do you make the second more likely?

Passion: Many people learn that the person who feels less in a relationship gets more control. Many guys learn to hide their feelings, trying to retain control. Many girls do too. How do you make her feel comfortable sharing her feelings so she can feel comfortable chasing you? How do you make yourself feel comfortable so you can express your attraction and passion without losing her?

Guys, there is nothing like being able to express yourself fully and without inhibition, knowing that it will attract her more. It pains me to think of people holding back their feelings in order to keep a relationship longer, not realizing the relationship they’re getting is a shadow of what it could be or of what they want.

Adventure: How do you lead her to want to make your fantasies happen?

Emotion: How do you escalate the emotions she feels for you? And that you feel for her?

The mature man: How do you behave differently if you’re older, divorced, or have had multiple-year relationships?

Existing relationships: How do you deepen existing relationships so they are continually rewarding, emotionally, physically, intellectually, and more? How do you make relationships sources of growth for everyone? How do you ground them in enduring passion? How do you handle conflict?

Applying attraction skills to life: The skills you learn in attraction are supremely valuable elsewhere in life if you know how to apply them. The skills include motivating yourself and others, mastering your emotions, listening, leading others, and more. The applications include business, especially leadership, entrepreneurship, getting hired, and sales, also fitness, diet, family relationships, and more. Many of my coaching relationships evolve from coaching about girls to coaching about many other parts of life.

Boundaries: Learning the value of exploring boundaries, yours and hers. How do you explore your boundaries and hers to create more comfort and intimacy without risking offense?

Many men see these areas as advanced, but you can learn them as much as you can learn to attract and seduce. There is a bigger market for getting guys laid so I see much less coaching on it, but in the clients who get these things, I see tremendous satisfaction in them and what they say about their partners. I support men learning to attract and seduce (and becoming men that women attract and seduce), and they are my biggest client group, but the more I coach long term, the more demand I see for long-term issues.

If you’re interested in these topics, let me know. Anyone can improve in all of them. The rewards in your relationships are huge, deep, and enduring. When you can make these things work in your relationships, your confidence in the rest of life increases dramatically.