The mindset for touching

I wrote recently about effective mindsets for approaching and the value of touching. I wanted to give a helpful and healthy mindset for escalating touching — i.e., kino.

The goal I recommend in touching is not what most beginners usually have, which I would call “getting away with what you can.” This mindset makes touching the girl the goal. Touching isn’t a great goal. It’s part of communication. The goal is to use that language to communicate and augment mutual attraction. (Or to find out when there’s a lack of attraction and move on).

I recommend a mindset of exploring her boundaries, staying inside them. Crossing her boundaries means rejection, which doesn’t work. Experience with women, especially listening and reading their signals, enables you to explore her boundaries more closely. A beginner knows shaking her hands in a non-sexual way is within her boundaries at first but doesn’t know when holding her hand flirtatiously becomes within her boundaries. An expert knows from how she reacts to each touch how much her boundaries have changed based on the interaction.

In the communication of touching, the “talking” part, meaning your touching her, is usually easy to know how to do it. The challenge is knowing when it’s appropriate. That comes from the harder part to learn, which is the “listening” part, meaning reading her reactions. Most guys are so busy focusing on themselves, they miss paying attention to her. The irony is that the more sensitive you are to reading her, the more obvious it becomes to know what to “say” and when, meaning how and when to escalate.

In other words, a major piece of improving your skill in touching is learning to “listen” better — i.e., to become more sensitive to what she wants from you. Though she may not clearly communicate what she wants, her behavior will never be inconsistent with what she wants. As she wants more from you, her behavior will always change. Every girl you interact with, whether you find mutual attraction or not, is an opportunity to improve your ability to listen. The more girls you interact with, the more you learn and can improve.

The value of touch and how to initiate it

Until someone figures out how to have sex without touching, touch is one of the most important ways to communicate with a woman. It’s the most important part of creating intimacy.

And since big jumps in levels of physical intimacy usually create awkwardness if you aren’t experienced (they can be exciting when you have more experience), taking baby steps is, for most beginners, the most effective way to escalate, paying attention to how she reciprocates and reacts.

So if you don’t touch and escalate, it’s difficult to create much intimacy with a woman.

“But the first touch is a big jump!” many of you are saying. You’re talking, things are going well, you expect she’ll like your touch, but it’s still a big jump. Many guys put off the first touch longer and longer since, after all, if you don’t challenge the situation you won’t lose it. You may know that if you wait too long she’ll see you as less and less sexual, but at each moment not touching seems favorable to touching.

What do you do?

For my simple solution, first imagine this situation: someone is walking down the street and accidentally drops their wallet. You pick it up and hurry to catch them to return it.

Would you not tap them on the shoulder to get their attention while saying something?

Even our puritanical society supports physical contact among strangers.

The back of the hand touching another person’s arm between the elbow and shoulder is acceptable in all situations I’ve ever encountered.

Just as you might tap the shoulder of someone who dropped something to initiate communication with them, I recommend initiating contact with the back of your hand to her arm between the elbow and shoulder as you say your first words to her. That way you start touching from the moment you communicate and you never have to make a big jump.

From that contact you can read her reaction and start escalating, never having to worry about the big jump of the first contact.