What Women Initiated With Me

Mainstream society for some reason portrays women as more sexually chaste and pure and men as more into unusual sexual practices. I believed this myth for a long time.

Women seemed interested in relationships, which seemed noble and mutual. When the relationships worked, sex would come. That’s the mainstream view on women.

Men, by contrast, wanted sex, often dirtier and nastier than the beautiful love scenes in romance movies marketed to women. That’s the mainstream view on men.

Myths

Experience with women has absolved me of these debilitating myths. Specifically, experience in two ways: in number and depth of relationships with women.

I’ll grant that men take more initiative and responsibility to make their sexual desires happen, but not that women have any less desire, nor that their desires are any less dirty, nasty, or varied. They just make them happen more subtly, often enabling them to say they just agreed or acquiesced to what the man wanted.

A strategy that works is to hold back on what you want, let potential partners express their interests first, then choose among partners by compatibility. As long as they compete, you can always look like you’re just agreeing to what they ask for. Then you get what you want and they’re grateful to you.

The value of numbers

Sexual relationships with many women leads you to see patterns. You see how many respond with passion and pleasure to dirty things they wouldn’t when not in the heat of the moment. As your beliefs and expectations of their chastity and purity move from mainstream myth, you allow them to express themselves without fearing judgment.

When they see you have options and aren’t going to compete for them, and they sense that your sexual skills and experience will help them fulfill their fantasies, they reveal them to you. The more experienced and confident you are, the more they expect their experience with you will not only lead to a night of pleasure but to a mind-expanding fantasy-fulfilling life-changing long-term experience. The more they can expect, the more they’ll share.

The value of depth

Which brings me to depth of sexual relationship. The more deeply you mutually share, and you meet her sharing with support, the more she’ll feel motivated to share. If you want depth, it’s important to support her. The more she feels supported, the more she’ll share because almost nothing makes a relationship valuable than to be supported for what you care about most.

All the more so for what you don’t or can’t share–and sexual fantasies fit the bill.

I’ve made one of my top priorities in relationships to make her feel comfortable sharing what she cares about and to support her on those things. One result is learning many women’s deep sexual fantasies.

Frankly, I don’t see them as any more or less dirty, nasty, chaste, pure, or varied than men’s. Just between tying or being tied, hypnotizing or being hypnotized, pinning down or being pinned, acting first or reacting, dominating or submitting, etc, they overwhelmingly prefer the latter choices.

But they love participating just as much–generally after you start. They rarely will do anything to make a threesome happen, but something happens to them when it starts that they dive into the other woman.

Why I wrote this post

I’m going astray from my original reason to write this post. It had only occurred to me recently how many sexual practices away from plain vanilla women initiated. I don’t consider myself a prude, but I’m surprised.

Here are things that women did first:

Oral: This happened long before I learned about game. She was my first sexual partner. We were lying in bed and she asked, “Can I kiss it?” I was just a teenager, but before then, I thought girls wouldn’t enjoy giving blow jobs so I wouldn’t have asked for one, not that I would know how it would feel. Turns out she wanted to pleasure me more than I wanted to ask for it.

If only I had realized then the extent women loved pleasing men they cared about.

Anal: I guess I’m not that into anal. All the times I’ve done it have been at women’s request. I’m happy to give, though I do enjoy being coy for them to reveal their desire for it. It still surprises me how the mainstream view says that men love anal and women acquiesce. The women I’ve done it with were crazy about it.

“Master”: A women asked me permission to call me master. I hadn’t expected it, though it took no time for me to fall into the role. She loved it. Seeing how natural she felt calling me master led me to introduce it with others to widespread enjoyment.

Unprotected sex: One woman I dated for years one night told me how she had been tracking her cycle with thermometers and everything, and this was her least fertile time. We had tests to show we were disease free. She wanted me to come inside her with no protection. I said I was not prepared to be a father.

I’ve read stories women tell of how men coerce and don’t take no for an answer. None of those stories had anything on her. Eventually I gave in. I’m not a father, but I’m never doing that again.

Which brings me to

Non-consensual sex: I read a lot of stuff these days about consent being sexy at the nice end and lack of consent being criminal at the other end. In all my sexual experiences, I don’t remember any women asking me for consent. I’m sure a couple did, but nearly one hundred percent of them never asked consent.

Collars: I hadn’t thought much about collars. They seem kind of fun. Somehow they came up in conversation, or maybe we were in a novelty store. In any case, one woman I dated for years lit up on the topic and said that a collar from a man made her feel complete.

Not many other women seemed so into collars, but one other that I texted a picture of a collar to responded in a way I can only describe as life changing. She said she’d never thought of it but seeing the picture awoke in her an awareness of what she wanted in a relationship with a man.

Rimming: One night when we were both drunk, when we got in bed, a woman I dated a long time said, “get on your knees,” which I hadn’t heard from her before. I normally don’t comply with requests like that so I asked what she meant. She asked me to just go with it and got me into position to rim me, which she did, with a reacharound.

I never would have asked for it, but to this day it remains the greatest physical pleasure I’ve felt, though I don’t feel that comfortable with the position. Still, I’m not going to deny her the joy of getting what she wanted from me.

“Slut”: I don’t remember which woman asked me to call her “slut” first, but I know I didn’t start it. And I know she wasn’t the last. It’s a common request.

Shaming: This one I don’t like. I remember the time a woman publicly shamed me for a sexual preference. I’m not going to go into it here, but it happened in college, when I was young enough not to have defenses or resilience to handle how much she hurt me. It resulted in me hiding parts of me for over a decade, before learning through this community to turn weaknesses into strengths.

I’ve never shamed someone like that, nor have I heard of a man shaming a woman like that.

Choking: A woman told me she liked choking (which every time I see it mentioned on any site whatsoever, is followed by numerous posts by know-it-alls pointing out its risks). I obliged. She commented with one of my favorite compliments anyone has given me: “You choke well.”

“Stick your finger in my ass!”: One of my favorite acts by a woman was a near one-night stand (I had met her briefly before through friends, so not exactly a one-night stand). We were in bed and she clearly asserted, “stick your finger in my ass.”

I wish all women learned to assert so clearly what they wanted. They’d get more of it then.

I’ve certainly initiated many other practices and there are plenty of women to whom I’ve introduced such things, but I certainly don’t view women through the mainstream lens putting them on a pedestal, dehumanizing and depersonalizing them. I should also clarify, though I imagine it’s obvious to everyone, that everyone is unique.

Wrapping up, I’ll close by mentioning that I hope you reach where women open up and share their desires and go to new places you wouldn’t have. Fantasies are nice, but experiencing them as they are–fully, uninhibited, mutually supporting–is better, for me in my experience anyway.

Handling breakups

I wanted to share the following advice I gave to a guy who said that a girl he’d been seeing regularly stopped coming over.

I wrote:

A perspective that works for me is what someone once told me about a breakup:

The problem was in believing that something would last forever.

Relationships, like everything, come and go. My strategy is to develop skills of resilience and picking up new girls, which give me the option to get deeper with relationships while I’m in them with more confidence, security, and fun.

First dates

Some advice I gave recently on first dates:

My dates are almost always inviting her to my place to cook dinner together, sometimes shopping for food first.

The are interactive, sensual, show my skills without showing off, no worrying about who’s paying, no worrying if she’s late because I’m home anyway, no worries about what to wear, she usually contributes by bringing wine or dessert, intimate, the bed is close.

The fun comes from the interaction with the girl, not the external stuff you’re doing.

All you have to do is make sure the interaction before agreeing to the first date creates enough intimacy and trust that she’s happy to come over.

My view of the whole point of any relationship is to make people feel comfortable being vulnerable with you. Keep developing your skills to behave and communicate in ways that make her feel comfortable sharing vulnerabilities faster and that are more deep. Each time you support her for them, she will feel comfortable sharing more. Eventually you get to where she feels comfortable coming over. That’s when you invite her over.

You can also invite her to meet you at a place that happens to be a grocery store, start shopping, and just go back to your place, but I prefer being more up front earlier so she intentionally chooses to come to my place (rarely we cook at hers for the first date).

Just learn and practice how to make that happen by phone, text, email, or however you communicate, and faster. You end up having to become more open yourself and share your vulnerabilities.

There’s no trick here, it’s just relationship skills. Advanced ones.

Separately, develop your skills to cook and invite people over all the time so it’s normal for you. The more people you’ve cooked for, the more natural it feels to invite someone new over. Then you sound less awkward when inviting her and if she acts like it’s too assertive, you just act like it’s normal for you because it is.

Breaking up is hard, but a lot easier when you are secure

I broke up a week and a half ago with a girl I dated for nearly five years, my longest intimate relationship and most emotionally open and deep. At the beginning I was dating plenty of other girls at the same time and had a few threesomes but by the end we were nearly exclusive, with her living at my place for nearly six months while she was between apartments about to start medical school.

We didn’t fight. There was no anger. We just realized that the overlap between our interests wasn’t enough to merit spending the rest of our lives together.

Sex at the beginning went from doing it on buses and almost getting arrested to routine and less frequent. Still, we connected deeply. I laughed more and more deeply with her than anyone else.

Even though intellectually I know it’s for the best in the long run, the emotions are intense and hard to handle. When you make someone a big part of your life—we met each other’s families, went to everything together, etc—you miss her in everything. I feel emptiness, loss, rejection, uncertainty, and more. Again, intellectually, I know the feelings will pass, they’re inevitable, they’re healthy given the change, and so on, but damn, they hurt.

A lot of guys get into this scene to distance themselves from women, like they were hurt and want to get stronger and get back at women or something like that. That’s never been my goal. I’ve always wanted to understand, to open up, and to share more. Intimacy means vulnerability. Contrary to the ignorant outside view of the world of men learning attraction, I’ve cried over girls far more since learning attraction than before.

We’d talked about splitting up for a while but still had a lot going for us. We loved cooking together, exercising together (and enjoying our bodies getting hotter together, I can’t believe people who see a relationship as a chance to stop trying), and other daily things.

One afternoon I had lunch with a friend, a life coach. I told her my girl and I were drifting apart. After I told her about a bunch of the details she responded exactly how I respond to people I coach, which was she just told me what I said, pulling out the meaning. She said “You sound like you’re great together, but on the things that are most important to you you don’t match. And where you match, they aren’t the most important things.”

As she said it, I knew I agreed. There were a few things I had been holding out hope for my girl to pick up that I wanted from her—the same things I gave her. I had brought out some of her deepest passions, not just sexual fantasies (though them for sure) but also life dreams, things she had never shared before or thought she could share. I supported her on them and helped make them happen, beyond anything she ever expected. I’m sure she would agree I helped enrich her life beyond her dreams, expanding what she could expect or hope for from a man, from a relationship, and from life in general.

She supported me as best she could and helped me learn and grow, but never creating a space for me to open with her about my deepest vulnerabilities, hopes, and dreams. I volunteered many things I wanted to share, but there is a risk in sharing a deep vulnerability that the other person takes it for granted or misunderstands.

I’ll illustrate what I mean with an example, but I’m talking about many opportunities for intimacy, not just one. She knew that threesomes turned me on (she liked them, but not as much) but didn’t take care to learn specifically what I liked. Everyone’s passions are unique and personal, and you don’t just want someone going through the motions making yours happen, you want your experience personalized. You want support and connection. If all I wanted was two girls at all, I could hire them off Craig’s List. I can’t go into all the detail here, but I wanted my girl as the main girl (which she did too, but I don’t think she appreciated how much I did too), and I wanted her to take some initiative to make it happen. Every guy I know whose had multiple threesomes agrees if you want them, you have to take upwards of 99% of the responsibility to make it happen. I always did when they happened, so my fantasy never happened.

But she felt it did because she just looked at the superficial physical interaction, not its meaning to me. This happened in several places in our relationship. Not a lot, but the most important places. And as best I can tell it only happened in one direction. She got her fantasies and passions listened to so she felt understood and then acted on. She got turned on by the idea of her mind and body being controlled by her man. There were times I took her to places in bed mentally that she didn’t know where her body was any more. No bragging, life-changing, life-expanding experiences. You have to listen, work, and put yourself into the background to give her the fullest experience possible. I always wanted that back. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the effort, but I knew she would enjoy giving me my fantasies too. She never made me feel that way.

I also did my best to clarify what I did to make her feel so good and that it was all I was looking for in return—what questions to ask me, what to listen for, and how to respond. She never did it.

Toward the end, what led me to talking to my friend over lunch that time was that I had been thinking for a few weeks that since I’d lost hope for her to give me space to share the things I wanted to most with her, that I would just tell her, which would mean they would never be something she brought out of me, they would never be something we shared, and that I would expect to lose more hope of her creating that emotional intimacy I wanted and wasn’t getting.

What do we want more from a relationship with a woman than to be able to share our deepest and most personal vulnerabilities and to feel understood and supported for them? If you lose hope for that, you feel like you’ve reached the peak of the relationship and it can at best plateau, but will more likely decline. Maybe it can grow in unforeseen directions.

After my friend pointed out that we weren’t connecting on what I valued most, I reminded her how much we still connected on. She pointed out how great a relationship can be when you connect on your deepest and greatest values. I thought about a girl I loved decades ago. She was extraordinarily difficult to deal with and I didn’t have social skills yet, but we connected on some deep values beyond anyone else and I could never help comparing anything less to that high water mark.

I suggested that when my girl started medical school, since we weren’t exclusive, I’d have chances to get more from others. That would fit within what my girl and I agreed on. But my friend pointed out that you have to open space to get new things.

When I got home after that lunch, my girl must have had a similar conversation with someone else. She was packing her stuff. She wasn’t showing anger, just resolve. She didn’t explain herself, nor involve me in the decision that affected me (passive aggression which told me there was a lot of anger). About a year into the relationship I worked hard to keep it going when we were still learning about each other. Any girl would dream of a man doing what I did then to search inside himself and challenge himself to venture into the unknown of sticking with a girl.

This time I just watched her pack. I thought we could resolve things. I wanted to share so much more and I know she would love to keep learning more about me. I just didn’t want it to be me giving in a one-sided interaction. I probably could have resolved something there, but I had for too long been the one to face conflict and use resolving it to strengthen the relationship. If she wasn’t going to pick up that slack here, she might never. Besides making you feel unappreciated and hopeless, it rewards causing problems.

With tears and a wavering voice on my side but not hers, we discussed details of getting her a few mail items to come in the next week or so and little details like that and off she went.

I cried more since. I can’t tell you how much I’ve wanted her back. I stopped holding back with her, which infused her into every part of my life. Most of me wants to call her and bring her back into my life, which I know I could do, but at the cost of her taking initiative and her not taking initiative is one of the biggest lacks I saw from her. Also, I knew her abruptness and the anger of her unilateral action would weigh on her eventually. Cutting someone off so abruptly and without words is so cruel, and it says so much but with so much ambiguity, everything in me tells me she’ll have to explain herself later.

That’s all detail about the relationship and breakup. I haven’t explored what she was missing from me. If I knew it better I would have done more during the relationship. I can only guess at what I didn’t give that she wanted, or what problems she saw that I didn’t, since what I thought I knew wasn’t it. Some day maybe I’ll find out.

This blog is about men and learning skills with women.

As painful as the rejection, emptiness, and so on are, a couple things stand out.

I don’t feel insecure, and that’s a huge change from multi-year-relationship breakups from before learning attraction. “Huge” is way too small a word. I used to feel unbearably insecure, driving me to go back to a girl I broke up with and do what I could to keep it going, which is repulsive, needy, insecure behavior. I didn’t used to have emotional skills to handle the pain.

Now I do. It doesn’t make the emotional pain go away, but I know it takes time and I can accept it, which, I believe, is the most effective way for it to run its course. To face and acknowledge it, not deny or suppress it, nor to indulge or wallow in it. The human mind processes loss how it does and that’s what mine is doing.

Also, skill with women has meant that I don’t have to worry about that part of my life. My hopes, dreams, and passions make me very ambitious and I have huge life passions that I believe will change the world. I’ve never felt more passionate about my projects than now, even more than my first businesses or graduate work. I don’t believe a girl should be the greatest object in your life. Your passions should. I believe she should have her passions first too. I see the top role of a life partner to help draw out your passions, to understand them as much as possible, and to support you in them. I already mentioned that I wasn’t getting the support I felt a girlfriend could give me in one area of our relationship. I didn’t get it in my work either — rather I got it at about 85%, but that last 15% is like a blow job with the last 15% left off, which is generally worse than no blow job at all and leads to resentment.

The upshot of not having to worry about women in my life means I can devote myself to my work now. I’m getting more done than when she was over and my work means the world to me.

My security with women has meant that I’m not worried about being alone. I know I’ll take a while to fill the emptiness. She left on a Tuesday. Wednesday night I brought a girl over. A hot girl who was into me. I was a little concerned before the other girl came over that maybe I was acting too quick, not for any rational reason. On the contrary, having intimate female companionship felt great. Compared to when I couldn’t attract girls, her coming over and going to town on my body reduced my recovery time by months. Tomorrow there’s a big annual event I’d been planning to take my ex to for a year. Instead I’m bringing a different girl. Part of me is incredibly sad not to share something so important, that I invested so much emotion into, with a girl I cared so much for. But part of me looks forward to opportunity in the future.

That’s the point of my writing here. I believe most men, no matter how much they want to pull as many girls as they can as fast as they can, want deep intimacy with a girl, to allow himself to be as vulnerable as he can to find her supporting him for his greatest passions, physical, emotional, intellectual, and everything. The feeling you get from that support is incomparable (the feeling of pulling same night lays home is incomparable too, we should all have our share of each). And that’s not including having a family together. I don’t know of any way to get that fulfillment without sometimes getting hurt by it. The deeper the connection, the deeper the pain.

And skill with women is the best way I know of to get through that pain. It’s one thing for people to tell you there are plenty of other fish in the sea. It’s another much more valuable thing to bring a girl home the next evening. I’m not confusing the other girl with a deep relationship. I told her my situation. We care for each other enough. It was just very nice intimacy and a source of confidence and security.

Likewise, looking to the future doesn’t make the present pain go away–would I be writing this many words if I felt great?–but I know the pain and emptiness is just a matter of time.

 

“Can I share a fantasy with you?”

You want your girls to help make your fantasies to happen, right?

As much as you want to be the man responsible for making her fantasies happen, as much as you want her to think of you for the rest of her life as the best man in bed who gave her the best sex, she wants the same.

There are tons of resources for how to bring her physical pleasure. Not so many to give her the opening and motivation to do her thing to make your fantasies happen. She’ll be just as interested in doing it if you motivate her effectively.

Most of us hold our partners back from doing what we know we’ll love because sharing our fantasies makes us feel vulnerable. We don’t want to be laughed at. Even though we all have our fetishes, we still laugh at or make fun of others for theirs.

If some guy likes feet, or some skin color, pain, some style of dress, or whatever … that’s his thing. Girls have their things too. The more you accept and celebrate others, the more you’ll find yourself able to express yourself.

And my main tip for today: if you want a girl to make your fantasies happen, you have to share it with her. Yes, it’s scary because she might laugh, judge, or tell everyone about it. Those are risks that come with enabling it to happen, not just be something you’re afraid of people finding in your download history. She might think it’s too weird and leave you. If so, she’s only freeing your time for another girl who is into what you are.

My favorite way to start:

Can I share a fantasy with you?

I guarantee the answer will be yes. I don’t know many people, if any, who would say no. You could optionally add:

It’s one you’ve heard of but I’ve never felt comfortable enough to share it with anyone before.

Now the door is open. She’s interested and open.

You can share it how you want. Try it tonight or even now. After you share something, tell her how good it feels to share and you can probably get her to share a fantasy she never has before either.

Enjoy!

Oh yeah, and after she joins you in your fantasies, make sure you tell her how much better it was than you expected to motivate her to do it more.

How to make a girl fall in love with you?

A student on Brad’s boards asked “How to make a girl fall in love with you?”

I think my answer summed it up well:

Behave so she feels comfortable sharing her vulnerabilities, then support her on them. Repeat as the revelations grow deeper and more vulnerable.

There’s no trickery there. Everyone wants to feel supported on things they care about enough to feel vulnerable about. Sadly, few people care about others enough to make them feel comfortable to share what they care about. Meanwhile, society values status and material things, but not personal connection.

If you learn to behave as I described with everyone, they will like you because you allow them to feel like themselves without fear. With women in particular, some will fall in love.

He didn’t ask how to get a woman to get you to fall in love with her, but if she does the same thing with you, you’ll want her in your life, at least.

Why everyone should support men learning attraction

The New York Times today had a piece where a woman in the sciences described harassment by men.

She wrote it from women’s perspective. Fair enough, she’s a woman and she’s talked about this issue with women. It doesn’t look like she’s tried to understand the men’s perspective. You could read the article and just think men are bad.

Note what she describes as harassment:

Since I started writing about women and science, my female colleagues have been moved to share their stories with me; my inbox is an inadvertent clearinghouse for unsolicited love notes. Sexual harassment in science generally starts like this: A woman (she is a student, a technician, a professor) gets an email and notices that the subject line is a bit off: “I need to tell you,” or “my feelings.” The opening lines refer to the altered physical and mental state of the author: “It’s late and I can’t sleep” is a favorite, though “Maybe it’s the three glasses of cognac” is popular as well.

Since she commented on the women’s perspective, I’ll leave that to her.

Whatever her perspective, these men don’t sound like they intend to hurt. They sound pathetic and sad, inexperienced and unable to express themselves productively. They sound like they feel like they have no other option. If they have no women in their lives outside work, they cross professional boundaries. I consider that behavior wrong and I think teaching them social skills will help. It’s no secret that people in the sciences lack social skills more than most.

I can’t speak for all men in science, but at least for some, I believe they are acting out of desperation, fear, inexperience, lack of skill, and things like that, not malice. “I need to tell you” is the definition of neediness. At least for them, a solution is for them to learn how to act with women.

Glance at any magazine rack and you’ll see plenty of advice for women to learn attraction skills. Society promotes it. For some reason, mainstream society condemns men learning attraction. The double standard hurts men and is grossly unfair. Still, my business isn’t about fairness, it’s about improving men and their relationships with women.

If you’re a man who feels like he has few options to meet or attract women, you can improve. There’s nothing like the confidence of social skills that bring attraction from women. You don’t have to cross professional boundaries. You shouldn’t if you respect your coworkers and don’t want to sabotage your career. Hiring a coach helps. Feeling lonely, needy, desperate, and miserable doesn’t.

Losing a girl you care about

A guy on 30/30 lost a girl he cared about to distance when she had to move across the country. He asked about handling the emotions. I wrote the following, focusing on a couple things he said, which I quoted.

“I’ve always tried to avoid getting too close to some of these girls because of situations like this”

I found that perspective unfulfilling. I would rather get as close as the relationship allows, knowing that it may end with me hurt. Why hold back? In what meaningful endeavor in life do I not risk getting hurt. I’ve been hurt in sports, business, school, family, friendships, and more. The alternative is holding back, not giving as much of myself, and not getting as much of her. I didn’t learn attraction to have half-hearted relationships, nor to get inhibited girls. I want girls to feel free with me like they never had with a guy before, so they give me everything they have. How would I expect her to be free if I’m inhibited?

Some relevant principles I live by:

All relationships end. Even if you live together for the rest of your lives, one will die first. Like the Buddhist principle that we’re all going to die so we might as well live the best we can while we’re here, knowing that the relationship will end somehow, might as well enjoy it maximally while we’re in it.

More valuable than trying not to get hurt is learning to recover, or to be resilient. I’ve cried more over girls after learning attraction than before. Think of role models in nearly any discipline. They got hurt. Athletes, for example, get injured more than non-athletes. The more successful, the more injuries most of them have had. Entrepreneurs go bankrupt. Artists get panned by critics. I’ve suffered in parts of life like that more after trying than before.

Yeah, you’ve chosen a field that risks emotional pain. Think of Muhammad Ali. At least you’re not getting punched in the face by people stronger than you. Forgetting the physical pain, think of his losses. On the world’s stage, after saying he was the greatest. I suspect his emotional pain was more than we’ve faced. One thing making him great was getting back in the ring after losing.

The important lesson I’ve learned is not to emerge from painful experiences jaded, bitter, hurtful, etc.

“I cant just go through life having meaningless relationships all the time”

I never bought into the view that relationships are meaningless for being short, casual, or numerous. I consider a relationship with intimacy meaningful, even it it lasts less than a night. Happily-ever-after love isn’t the only meaningful emotion. You can think of a one night stand as a meaningless diversion instead of jerking off. I think of it as me and a girl sweeping each other off our feet, creating and feeling passion, living in the moment. I have plenty of long-term projects, so short-term fun is an awesome addition to my life.

If sex with girl, something you spend years developing skills for and make yourself vulnerable for, is meaningless, what is meaningful? Getting rich? Signing a marriage contract? Getting a corner office?

My strategy on relationships is something like:

1. Develop my personal skills so that I can learn from all experiences, even painful ones

2. Don’t hold back in relationships, allow myself to be vulnerable, be generous so she reciprocates

3. Accept the inevitable pain to do better next time, knowing I’ll probably make myself more vulnerable and feel more pain

It’s basically my strategy for business, sports, and other endeavors where you have to risk failure.

Never substitute things for emotion

If you’ve thought of giving someone something to get their emotion, you’re on a path to ruining that relationship. You can run out of material goods, but they can generate emotions forever, meaning they’ll cost more the more you pay for them.

Many Nice Guys think giving gifts will earn them someone’s time, like buying drinks for a girl’s time. They may not realize it, but they’re motivating a girl to withhold attention and emotion from them. Plus, anyone can sense when someone is trying to oblige you. It repels girls and everyone else.

Many players go to the opposite extreme and never buy a girl anything.

I suggest giving gifts because you feel like it or to reward something someone did that you like, just not in the hopes of getting something in return.

How to treat gifts and emotions

I’ll illustrate how to treat gifts.

I’ve given my girl nice gifts over the years. She loved the Tiffany’s necklace and ring. I’m happy to have given them to her.

Recently I wrote her an email giving her more attention than I needed to. She had a challenge I knew how to overcome and she didn’t. It took me a while to write it out. She appreciated it but didn’t do anything to show the appreciation. No big deal, but I inadvertently said a great response regarding her not showing appreciation.

I said, “Not that getting appreciation is that important, but I like it. Maybe I should just get you stuff from Tiffany’s instead.”

She responded immediately, “No! I like this. It means a lot to me.”

Did you pick up what we communicated?

I communicated that my time and attention is worth more than Tiffany’s jewelry and she agreed. I didn’t outright say it, though. It was understood, which makes it more meaningful.

And I didn’t plan it out. I behaved consistently with my views. I hope everyone feels similarly. Jewelry comes and goes, but you only get one pass at every second of your life. What’s more valuable?

Give a girl jewelry in the hopes of her happiness and you’re on a path to giving away a lot of jewelry to someone whom you taught not to value your time.

Communicate that you value your time and she’ll treasure every moment with you.

Feel confident with whatever number of partners you want

Society has a love-hate relationship with people who like to have sex with many partners.

Conventional wisdom says that society values men who have many partners and devalues women who do, but I’ve never met someone who felt that way. Everyone I’ve asked, and I’ve asked many, describe valuing men and women equally. They equally support women and men who have sex with many. They equally support women and men who have sex with few. The “conventional wisdom” has negligible basis in actual people, according to my casual research.

Meanwhile, men and women I’ve asked also value having many partners before wanting to settle down. Many women seem to think most men want many women forever, but no man I’ve met, including men who have had sex with hundreds of women, has told me he wants many partners forever.

As much as people say society values men who have sex with many partners, many women act like a man wanting many partners is bad, or degrading women — even as they seek and enjoy multiple partners themselves.

As best I can tell, everyone wants to know what’s out there, mainly for experience before delving into depth with one. Even people with non-exclusive relationships I know want a small number of very intimate relationships.

My point: If anyone tries to shame you for whatever number of partners you want, you can feel confident that hundreds of millions of people, even billions, feel just like you.

On the contrary, I recommend you take pride in knowing what you want and acting for it. I don’t recommend wanting something but not acting for it because others have different values.

When my clients improve their attraction skills, they tend to learn more about themselves and love life more, uninhibited by others’ judgment and puritanism. It’s like freedom.

And security. He can develop intimacy with one woman knowing that he chose her, not feeling insecure that he had to settle for her, having no better options.